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| Need to buy this! |
If you are thinking, surely she doesn't mean me- then you should probably read this twice. (Yes, I mean YOU!)
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an a$$. (Asking me if it was planned when I’m 28, have been married for over 2 years, and have a steady job makes you a douchebag or someone who doesn’t think a lot before blurting out whatever goes through that brain of yours.)
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase "my baby". (Bahahaha! Love it! My mother actually told me that SHE was the grandparent as if that gave her more say than ME the mother. I need to send this to her.)
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the name of the baby. (I need to come up with something to meddling people that tell me what they think before it happens. I don’t want to be standing there just giving them a dirty look because I can’t think of a good comeback quickly enough. I always think of great ones after I walk away.)
4) The body of a pregnant women should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman. (For some reason, a lot of the people I work with think it’s fine to touch my baby belly whenever they feel like it. Really! Do I walk around randomly groping you and standing in your personal space? All my friends have managed to ask before they touch me so I can’t figure out why co-workers and acquaintances can’t figure this one out.)
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight- ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!". (Co-worker asked me what my doctor thought about my weight gain. In what reality is this an appropriate question…ever? When I tell my friends I’ve gained about 17 lbs, they all tell me that I don’t look it and I look great which is awesome! Also, if you’re going to tell me that I look like I’m 2 months pregnant when I’m 6 months pregnant on the bus be prepared to get the bitch face.)
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don't need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes. (Or cold. Or tell me how lucky I am that I won’t have to be SO HOT when I’m huge like a beach whale {their words, not mine}. I’m aware of the temperature and also the hormones they make me snarkier so don’t tell me the sky is blue and that winter is cold.)
7) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, MIL or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents’ home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it. (Someone needs to tell my mother this. She hasn’t gotten the memo that I don’t need her to “teach” me how to be a mother…her words. Also, no one is allowed in while I’m in labor unless your name is Dre, doctor, or nurse. I’m not pleasant when I’m in pain.)
8) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should cleanup the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping. (Interfere with my schedule and feel the wrath! I’m just saying. We’re trying to get the new baby on a schedule here not make sure the grandparents get 10 hours each of baby holding time.)
9) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less. (I might post this on my door except it’ll say something like this…”If you disapprove of how I do things, though bananas. Tell me you disapprove of how I do things and I might kick your ass.” Just a thought before you come hold our new baby bundleJ Do you think they’ll like my sign?
I hope this helps- it sure makes us feel better.
Signed,
All Pregnant Women
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