Pregnancy has turned me into a raving, stressing lunatic

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Yeah, I've used this before, but I really like it.  It makes me laugh every time I see it!

 Have I mentioned that my due date is somewhere around February 12^th.  Never wanted a winter pregnancy, but I don’t think I’m gonna complain too much.  I’m just so damn happy that I’m finally pregnant again.  Yep, it took me 3 cycles this time around too.  3^rd cycle seems to be the magical cycle for hubby and me.

Originally, the doctor had suggested I wait 3 months before starting to try again and I’d given her a “Are you crazy?” look so she told me that the reason they tell you this is so that they can date the pregnancy more easily.  Yeah.  Whatever!  If I had waited, I would just be starting to TTC again.

Anyways, because of my missed miscarriage the doc had told me that this time around she wants to do an early ultrasound, but because of the system she has to have a reason—apparently a previous miscarriage is not a big enough reason in this country.  She instructed me to tell her that I didn’t know when my last menstrual period (LMP) so that she could send me for an early U/S.So on Wednesday afternoon, I’m gonna lie my head off and tell her I have no idea when my LMP was even though I know it was on May 7^th.

Bring on the ultrasound! 

I’m 4 weeks and some days today 3 (I think) so I’m hoping to get an ultrasound at Week 7 (over here they don’t do them too much earlier than that) to confirm that everything is going well.  Since my pregnancy stopped growing at 6w1d last time, I’m looking forward to that ultrasound so that I can breathe a little more easily.

Up until today, I think I’ve been handling the stress of pregnancy fairly well.  But today has been harder.  I guess I’m really stressed about this pregnancy not ending up like the last one.  So I tell myself that I just have to make it past 6w1d which is in less than 2 weeks, but the truth is that once that date is passed and I get my u/s which I pray shows a normal pregnancy with a strong HB then I’ll just worry until I’m out of the 1^st trimester and then the 2^nd and all the way until I deliver.  I hear that’s a normal mother reaction, but it I’m not usually like that.  I don’t worry much over things I cannot change usually.

I guess the miscarriage robbed me of my belief that things would just work out.  It was devastating last time around…so where does that leave me this time around?  Hoping that everything is great this time around?  How about next time I get pregnant (yes, eventually we’ll have a #2)?  I’ll just worry again. 

I find it sad that I’ve lost the innocent joy that pregnancy brings since it’s a new, happy, and joyous experience.  I’m of course really happy about it, but every time I think about the baby being born in February and go visit some of my old online forums on TB I get that doubt that tells me, “What if this turns out like last time?  Can I go through that again?”  Every time I read a post on TB about someone being so excited that they want to tell everyone right now or are already telling everyone, I just want to tell them to be careful, but then I realize that I’ve been burned with this already and those people will most likely be just fine.

I think I’m feeling a little blah today and that’s showing.  Hopefully, my doctor’s appointment tomorrow will make me feel all happy again.  Dre is coming with me this time around so that’s nice.  He does have to make up the time for it at work, but his boss was fine with taking the time off.  

Anyways, wish me luck and pray for this pregnancy.  I need it!