One crazy day at a life!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Happy Friday!

I am sooo glad this week is over!

Ugh!  Hellish week is what I had.  That's what happens when you're original boss retires and then they make your co-worker your boss...don't replace your original boss and now the new co-worker/boss goes on vacation for 2 weeks.  Let me spell it out for you guys...PURE I-N-S-A-N-I-T-Y!  This job was not meant to be done by one person.  Anyways, he's back on Monday and I'm thrilled!

In other news, I got a date for the writing test I have to take for a job I applied to in....wait for it...September!  It took them this long to screen us into the job and now we have to go prove that we didn't get our university degrees in a box of Cracker Jacks by taking a test that will evaluate whether or not I can write a sentence.  I don't know guys...I might be in trouble...hehe.  Anyways, it's next Wednesday afternoon so I'm taking some more of my hard earned compressed time and going to do that.

I'm a little bit all over the place today, but I think it's because I'm so excited that I get to go home in 1.5 hours!

Tomorrow, my older brother is coming over to my house with the new girlfriend--she seems nice, but doesn't talk much--and one of our family friends who's visiting from Greece. 

When I was little this family lived in Canada, and our families spent a lot of time together.  When I turned 10 or 11, they moved back to Greece--who can blame them...Siberia winters vs. sunny beaches--and they come back every other year to take care of their Canadian business and stuff like that. 

So this is the first year that they come and we have our very own house.  Now, I don't like guests because I feel like I have to entertain all the time and it stresses me out.  I'm not the homey type who loves entertaining and company AT ALL!

Anyways, out of town guest is staying for 8-9 days.  And my house.  It's FILTHY!  I haven't been very motivated to clean lately with being slightly depressed and all.  And now, I have to clean and make food for over a week.  Blerghhhh!

OK, I'm done whining, but if you find me dead somewhere you'll know it's because I wasn't cut out to entertain ppl:-)

So tonight methinks that the menu might be takeout and tomorrow night it's restaurant time...makes entertaining a little easier!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Good news

Google search for celebrate

My doctor called yesterday!  It totally surprised me because I didn't expect to hear from her until Friday and maybe even next Monday.

Turns out that the ultrasound clinic sent out my final report from last Friday's ultrasound really quickly. 

Doctor says that I'm all good.  There's nothing left in my uterus! 

Now I need to go do some celebrating because that is the best news I've gotten in a long time!

So I'm just going to have to wait until AF shows up again which will hopefully be in the next week or so.  Then, I hope I ovulate like I normally do and we can start do the BD again and hopefully get a sticky baby sooner than later. 

Right now if I got pregnant in this next cycle I would get a January baby.  Crazy!  I never really wanted to be pregnant in the winter, but I guess that I don't get a choice unless I'm willing to wait 4 months to start trying again.  And since I'm not big on the waiting stuff that probably won't happen.

I've been charting my temps every morning--or trying to--and let me tell you that my chart is fucked up this cycle.  It's actually kind of hilarious!  I can point at this chart later and be like this was my miscarriage chart.
It's all over the place! 

***Note to myself, I need to link my chart to the blog so ppl will know what I'm talking about.*** 

Anyways, if the hubs can stop doing massive overtime every single day and the damn overnight guests would stay away this weekend maybe we'll get to celebrate!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

PSA people PSA

That's Public Service Announcement for those of you abbreviation phobic ppl:-)  Someday, I might get my lazy ass to type out the abbreviations I tend to use and list them on the side so that I can stop telling you what they are.  Someday...

Moving on!

Today I was in the bathroom (toilet, toilet room, restroom...whatever floats your boat) and the worst thing EVER happened!  No.  I didn't not sit in pee.  That would have been bad too though.  Nope, someone comes into the bathroom and decides to select the stall RIGHT BY MINE and take it!  Now people when there are 6 EMPTY stalls and I'm in the middle can you tell me why on earth someone would come and deliberately take the one right by mine.  Is it because they want me to go faster?  Weird!  Is it because it's their diabolical plan to make my bladder suddenly shy?  That must be it because no other explanation for this weird behavior is acceptable to me.

I've mentioned this to some of my friends and other people I work with and apparently I am the only one on this planet with this pet peeve.  The other girls all say they don't care.  Well I say, "Who the fuck does that?".  If you enter a bathroom and see an occupied stall, you do what the guys at the urinals would do...take the furthest stall (urinal) from the occupied one that you can find! 

So go out and if you happen to pee in public--in a toilet, I hope--don't sit by me cause I might go all passive-aggressive on your ass.

That is all!  We are now returning to our regularly scheduled programming...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

So what day is this?

Google result for Wednesday Hump Day. 
DO NOT type in Hump Day by itself while at work! You will not get cute cartoons!

I have to ask because my sleep-deprived brain is trying to quit, pack its bags, and go on vacation.

A combination of my boss being on vacation for 2 weeks which leaves me to do everything, taking a CPR class this weekend, and the hated Daylight Saving Time have conspired to rob me of my sleep making me very tired.

All of this, by the way, doesn't help the tiny depressed feelings I've been having lately.  Dre is deeply concerned over my statement that I'm depressed and insists on trying to make me smile and stop being depressed.  It usually works because he's funny. 

So I think I'm going to summarize my feelings in this one paragraph.  Beth Ann from HeirtoBlair wrote this about 2 years of so ago after her miscarriage.  It completely summarizes what I feel about this whole situation that is my life.

"Three months of nausea, heartburn, exhaustion, elation, pure happiness...with nothing to show for it.  & to get the baby I want, I have to go back & do it all over again.  Sweet Jesus, I've been down the 1st Tri road.  I was almost done.  Now I am back at square one.  That is what frustrates me the most."

So right now that is what my state of mind looks like and that's all I'll say about that...for now!

So in other news, I have a friend who went shopping with me for baby stuff a while ago.  While we were in this uber-crunchy baby store (they had great cloth diapers...definitely going back there one day), we spotted DivaCup.  Now I had read about them on a blog, but I had no idea what they looked like and how they worked.  Yes, I'm aware that Google is great, but I'm too lazy and forgetful to look this crap up usually.

Anyways, said friend has now purchased one and I'm SOOOOOO jealous!  I want one!  I REALLY REALLY REALLY want one!  Why?  Because I HATE, DETEST, ABHOR pads.  They are nasty, gross, smelly, nasty, smelly, and nasty!  I think I might have to go out and buy one right away.  I was originally going to wait until after I had a baby to get one so that I didn't have to changes sizes, but after spending the morning reading all about them I think I wanna go get one so I never, ever, ever have to wear a pad again.  Maybe, I'll make a very illegal bonfire in my backyard and burn all my remaining pads in glee.   Hmmm, my neighbors might think I was even crazier than they originally thought. 

I've just managed to remember that it's Wednesday and not Friday like I was desperately hoping it was so I will leave you to go scale the rest of Hump Day.

Monday, March 14, 2011


What is up with Daylight Savings Time or however you spell that?

When I was a kid I used to think it was so cool that we got to change the clocks.  It was really exciting to wake up in the morning and see if we had all remembered to set our clocks forward or backward.  Every time you looked at a clock the day after you always had a little doubt about whether or not that was actually the time.  

Well, I'm not 5 anymore and time change has definitely lost it's appeal for me! 

I HATE Daylight Savings Time!  There I said it.  I cannot stand having to force my poor, tired body to wake up when it's pitch black just so I can get an extra hour of daylight at the end of the day.  I say join all the really smart Province of Saskatchewan and the States of Arizona, Indiana, and Hawaii and let's stop doing the stupid thing we do with our clocks twice a year.

Your body will thank me for it.  Or maybe not.

Since we're not farmers working in the fields anymore (not that there's anything wrong with farmers) and we have this modern invention called outside lighting, we don't need to extend our day anymore.  I seriously doubt that changing the time twice a year saves that much electricity for anyone.  Now instead of turning on my lights at night when I get home, I get to turn on my light in the morning while getting ready to go.

All right I'm done talking about that till Fall when we add an extra hour...AGAIN.

In other news, I'm still waiting on my doctor to call me back so I can see if I can schedule my ultrasound this week instead of at the end of next week or the week after that.  Bleeding has pretty much completely stopped so I don't see how waiting for an extra week is going to change how much stuff is or is not left in my uterus. 

Since I started charting with Fertility Friend again (I'll link my chart to this blog some day), my chart is telling me I should ovulate in the next 3 days:-(  That makes me sad because I'm probably not going to ovulate since I think my HCG levels have to be below 5 for my cycle to reset itself.  When the doctor calls, I need to remember to ask her what they were at my last blood draw.  So, here's to hoping that my levels have already dropped below 5 and that my cycle is on the way to resetting itself. 

The possible stuff left in the uterus...I'll worry about that after the next ultrasound.

Friday, March 11, 2011

And here we go again

So today I was gonna post about something else than my miscarriage because...guess what...I'm sick of thinking about my miscarriage.


My doctor called me this afternoon.  She got the final report from my ultrasound on Monday and it says that there are still some blood clots in there--I'm still bleeding so I don't know why I care that there are some blood clots there as they'll probably go away on their own or with my next period--and that there "might" be some pieces of placenta still in there.  LOVELY!  JUST FUCKING LOVELY!  I guess I don't get to catch a break and have it go well once in a while...nope!

So doctor wants to send me for another ultrasound in 2 weeks.  I have no idea why I have to wait 2 weeks when I'm barely bleeding now and expecting the bleeding to stop completely in the next few days.  So, Dre tried to schedule my appointment (yes, I still hate phones) this afternoon, but the ultrasound clinic was closed.   I guess I'll try calling on Monday morning to setup an appointment in 2 weeks. 

Now, I have no idea what my options are if there's still some placenta up in there in 2 weeks.  More pills?  A D&C?  With the pills, I'm afraid I'd start bleeding for 2 weeks again and AF would just take that much longer to come.  When it comes to a D&C, I'll have that as the absolute last resort over my dead body.  Does that sound like I'm being dramatic?  That's good 'cause I'm not getting surgery where they open my cervix and then proceed to scrape my uterus...nope...not gonna happen. 

Anyways, that's it for my ranty self.  I know I seem angry and annoyed and ranty all the time lately, but I do better with communication my feelings on paper generally so this is helping me cope with the depressed and angry feeling that this miscarriage have caused.  Hopefully, I'll get all cheerful and happy again very soon...Ha!  Who am I kidding?  So not me! 

So TGIF people and it's party time as I've been invited over to SIL's for Drinking Time (I think I might adopt this new idea of drinking time) tonight.  I'm thinking I can do with a Porn Star--get your minds out of the gutter's a drink!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Charting, sex, and snow...or something like that

Have you guys missed me?  All 3 of you who read this blog!

On the miscarriage side, I'm almost done bleeding (I hope). And then, hopefully, my body will get a clue and start to ovulate again right away so we can get down and BD(Baby Dance) next month. 

I've started tracking my temperature in the mornings with my BBT thermometer so that I can be ready when we start TTC again.  I forgot how damn annoying waking up and taking your freaking temperature every damn morning was.  Not only that, you have to remember to put the temps in your phone when you can barely see straight or remember what you name is.  Starting this up again is reminding me just how much I think it sucks that I have to start this process all over again.  BD(Gasp...yes...that would be sex), wait 2 weeks, POAS, and then if it's positive be paranoid for weeks until I have an u/s. 

Sounds like fun doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.

The thing is that I like charting and I like knowing what my body is doing when it's doing it.  None of this, I think I'm ovulating now because my ovaries hurt (FYI...they can hurt before, during, or after you ovulate...not helpful at all), or I always ovulate on Day 14 because I'm very regular and get AF on Day 28 every single month.   Bahahahaha!  So not me!  Also, if you haven't tracked your ovulation at least 3-6 months you really have no clue when you're ovulating even if you are really, really regular.  Anyways, while I respect the idea of other ppl that they'll just start messing around and see what happens, I'm ready for a baby now so I'm gonna stack the chances on my side to get a BFP.  Nothing more depressing than a BFN I tell you.

So, that's pretty much where I'm at.  I don't mind seeing babies or other pregnant ppl, but ppl who are due around the time I was and ppl who are around where I should be in their pregnancy are really hard for me.  Thankfully, I have zero pregnant friends in real life, but I do follow quite a lot of "mommy bloggers" and ppl I met on the TB Expecting in September 2011 board.  I'm very happy for them that their journey is going well and that they can look forward to a happy, healthy baby in September. 

I guess I don't know what I'm saying...I'm saying that the idea of starting over again and having reminders of what I lost is really daunting and hard respectively.

That is all!

In other news, it is snowing here, then it rained for good measures, and then it's supposed to snow again.  Don't you love winter?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Life goes on

So, it's been a while since I've posted.  I tend to post from work and I haven't been at work all week so I've been neglecting it in favor of Netflix.

Monday I got a call from my doctor about last Friday's ultrasound.  She told me I had 3 choices: one was wait it out and my body would eventually miscarry on its own...hopefully, the second one was take misoprostol (cytotec) vaginally which would induce a miscarriage by making my uterus contract, or go for a D&C surgery.  I picked the second option as I "miscarried" at 6 weeks, but here I am at 13 weeks and I have yet to bleed or anything.  I've learned that the term for this is a missed miscarriage (medical community tends to call it a missed abortion, but I think that that is not reflective of my situation).  I decided not to go with a D&C unless it is absolutely necessary as that is a surgery and carries the same risks that all surgeries do.

Dre and I went to visit the doctor on Monday so that she could give me the prescription and explain all that stuff to me.  That went fairly well with a lot of reassurance to me that it was not my fault, I could get pregnant again, and shouldn't have any problems carrying to term next time.  While I appreciate this type of reassurance, telling me once was nice, but telling me over and over again in the last 2 weeks is really annoying.  Also, I'm really not the type to believe that I somehow did something when I was only 6 weeks pregnant that harmed my baby.  At that stage of growth, babies stop developing because of serious chromosomal defects.  So we picked up my prescription and went to The Works to get burgers since I didn't feel like cooking.

We decided to wait until the next morning before I took the pills as I heard stories from other people about staying up all night when the pills took effect. 

Rabbit Trail***
In the meantime over the last week and half since it was confirmed that I was miscarrying I've gotten several queries as to whether or not I was sure the baby wasn't growing anymore.  Not helpful in the least I must say, but people were trying to be helpful so I'm cutting them a break.  Let me say that I have 2 blood tests showing dropping levels of beta-HCG hormones and 2 ultrasounds showing no growth and no heartbeat.  Either of these things are enough to confirm a miscarriage and they were enough for me.  As I don't believe in abortion, I did not make this decision lightly.
Back to our Regular Programming***

Took the pills at 8:30am on Tuesday morning.  Boy, it was really fun to push those up!  I had mild cramps and not much was going on for 4 hours.  After that, I started getting crazy, runny diarrhea.  I still had almost no cramps and didn't really feel anything going on in my uterus, but I was starting to get severe back cramps.  An hour later...still no bleeding, I had Dre call the pharmacist to ask if I could take Immodium because I couldn't take the diarrhea and the back cramps that were accompanying it.  The pharmacist tells Dre that this is normal and it will soon stop. 

Now some would wonder why in God's name they didn't put any of this information on their helpful drug packets, but you see the drug is an ulcer drug and the little info packets that the pharmacists print out don't take into account secondary uses and the fact that the doctor prescribing them to me vaginally means they're for a missed miscarriage.

As I start shaking uncontrollably and I'm almost in tears because the damn back pain is gonna kill me, I go to the bathroom and start passing massive amounts of blood and "stuff".  Nope, I have no idea what it looked like because there was so much blood.  BTW, the doctor told me to take Advil for pain management!  They obviously like lying through their teeth about how painful it is to start a miscarriage.  The most severe pain went away quickly after this, but I'm still bleeding now 3 days later.  Now, it looks more like a normal period except with much redder blood and more blood clots, but the cramping is almost all gone.  Something, they don't tell you is how red the blood will be.  It's shocking actually!  Also, that the blood in the toilet can look like Kool Aid because there's so much of it.  TMI yet?  Well too bad, I had to live through was much worse on my end.

One thing I learned.  When the doctor says you'll experience some cramping, they mean you'll go into labor for about 1 hour.  Before this, I was toying with the idea of natural childbirth and all that.  Now, I will demand an epidural as soon as I arrive at the hospital and will take a c-section if it's offered.  That was the worse pain I've ever had, and I have proof that when I go into labor I'll have the dreaded back labor.

I had one last blood draw this morning to monitor my beta-HCG levels--they're supposed to drop dramatically when you miscarry.  On Monday, I have another ultrasound to make sure everything is gone and then we meet with my doctor for one last follow-up.  Fingers crossed that everything is good and I can start TTC (trying to conceive) after AF decides to show up in 4-6 weeks. 

So on we go.  I did buy 3 bottles of wine yesterday and I fully intend to drink them in the near future.  I'm making up for 2 months of no drinking and the 9 months of no drinking that will hopefully be coming soon.