Update to an update?

So the results are in and...MISCARRIAGE.  Looks nice all spelled out like that doesn't it? 

Yah, well it sucks ass!

My doctor finally called my at 9 PM last night to give me the results of my second blood draw from Tuesday.  My HCG levels are going down.  Bad, very bad!  They went from 18,000 to 13,000.  She was very nice about the whole thing, but she still wanted me to go do the ultrasound.  To me, this was depressing news...I kinda knew this was coming--I've kind of known since we couldn't hear the heartbeat on Wednesday.  It's like having a bad news monster stalking you all day long...fun. 

I thought to myself, I'll just do the ultrasound and then that's gonna be done and we can make a plan and get on with it.  So today, hubby leaves work again and comes with me to the ultrasound at 11.  We get there and the clinic doesn't have us on their list today...OOOOOOKKKKKAAAYYYYY...turns out my doctor's office managed to book me at the alternate location for this clinic, but told me to go to this one when they called me.  The girls there were very nice and squeezed me in. 

My ultrasound was actually done by the doctor at the clinic and not one of the techs which was nice because she explained to me everything that was going on as she was seeing it.  Very useful.  She even gave me a copy of the report so I could have it with me in case I bled enough that I had to go the ER for it.  So the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day.  The sac and placenta are all still there so my body hasn't gotten with the program yet.  This means that my pregnancy ended at 6 FUCKING weeks and my body hasn't seen fit to get rid of it in the last 7 weeks.  This would have been much easier to deal with and less people would have been told if that had happened 2 months ago like it was supposed to.  Hell, I could even have tried to get pregnant again at least once since then.  So, yes, I'm annoyed...really, really annoyed!

Oh and people need to stop being all nice to me and telling me how sorry they are because that shit is just making me cry and I'm tired of crying.  I don't do crying.  Ask people who know me...I don't cry.  Not my style, but the damn hormones that are still floating around and having a field day in my body make me cry all the time.

So,  Dre's really bummed and sad about this, but I think we'll be fine and as soon as we can close a chapter on this pregnancy we'll start trying for a take-home baby. 

A note on miscarriage.  It happens.  I don't think I'm the type to not talk about it because not talking about being pregnant for 3 months almost killed me so I'll probably mention that it happened if it ever comes up.  The reason for this is that miscarriage is way too much of a taboo subject in our society.  20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages.  That is millions of women that miscarry every year and don't talk about it and suffer in silence and alone because the world is uncomfortable dealing with the idea of pregnancy not being all rainbow farting unicorns. 

So have a nice weekend and join me in drinking (unless you're pregnant..duh! and damn right I'm drinking...no reason not to anymore) to the billions of strong women out there who carry the future generations and who occasionally lose their babies before they get to meet them.

Update: It's a Mystery!

So Dre and I are nowhere closer to having an answer on whether or not I'm having a miscarriages or my baby is playing hide and seek.

We met with our doctor yesterday who let us know that my second blood draw hadn't been tested by the lab yet.  It's been 24 hours people--get your ducks in a row!  So we discussed the possibilities and reviewed my results from Friday's blood draw.  Results were encouraging as they showed me having HCG levels of 18000 and change.  These are not as high as they should be if I'm 12 weeks, but they're pretty high nonetheless. 

This was somewhat encouraging to Andre and I, but we really need the second results to have definite answer on what is happening in my uterus.  The doctor was supposed to call the lab yesterday at 4 (the lab requested they do this) for the results and then call me with them.  Well, we didn't get a call which means that she couldn't get my results because they weren't ready.  Argh!  More waiting...I think God is trying to teach me to be patient.  So fast forward to now--today, 2PM--we still haven't heard from the doctor and now we're wondering if the lab is really inept that they can't do a single HGG count in the last 48 hours that they've had my blood or did my doctor "forget" to call me with the results or forget to even call for the results.  It's a mystery and it's driving me BSC right now.  Also,  the doctor wanted me to have another ultrasound if my levels were rising so she had her staff schedule one for me right away...tomorrow at 11:20!  It would be kinda helpful if I knew something by then don't you think? 

Good thing we're going out with the in-laws tonight for dinner.  I need distractions from this soap opera life I'm leading!  I think I might brave my utter hatred of telephones and actually call my doctor for the 15th time this week and ask them where my @#!%#$ results are.  I "might" be nicer in the way I phrase it so that they're actually inclined to do what I'm asking.

So...I"ll update...soon...I hope!

A Post

So...

The ultrasound on Friday turned out to be exactly what I thought.  Bad!  I love it when I'm right.

After in external and internal (vaginal) ultrasound, the tech had us wait around for an hour for their doctor to "Review" the results.  Then she told us to go home and call the doctor--that just sounds good doesn't it!  Since we could see the ultrasound and I'm pretty familiar with what we should have been seeing I knew that it was not good as soon as it started.  After a call to the doctor, we were told that the doctor would call us back once she received the report.

She called us a couple of hours later and told me exactly what I suspected.  The ultrasound did not show a baby or a heartbeat.  Apparently that could mean 2 things.  It could mean I miscarried at 5ish weeks and my body forgot to get the memo or it could mean that I don't know how to count and I'm really not that far along.  Considering that I know when I ovulated (December 15) and that I got 2 positive HPT on December 31st and January 1st that seems pretty unlikely.

So she sent me for beta testing where they check the HCG levels in my blood on 2 different days to see how they are.  We were supposed to meet with the doctor tonight to get a definite answer, but because of stupid Family Day (Ontario holiday) every damn lab in Ottawa was closed.  So, I had to go do my second blood draw this morning.  We're seeing the doc tomorrow at 1PM and hopefully we'll have news one way or another.

I'm trying to be positive because stranger things have happened to a lot of people and I believe that miracles can happen, but that is a very, very hard thing to do when you are not one of those happy, happy, everything is always good type of person.

Anyways, I will update tomorrow with what the doctor tells us and what our options are after that. 

Freaking Day!

***Warning:  There will be swearing…don’t say you haven’t been warned***

I’m really, really, really angry.  Really fucking angry!  As easy as it is to annoy me, it’s not actually easy to make me truly angry, but my doctor’s office managed that feat today!

So yesterday, I had my 2^nd doctor’s appointment and I was so excited.  Since I haven’t had an early ultrasound, I’m counting on hearing the heartbeat at my appointment to confirm that everything is all right with my little bean.  

So the doctor tries to find the heartbeat with Doppler, but she’s having a really hard time.  So finally, she tells me that I probably have an inverted uterus and that’s why it’s hard to hear and that I am really early still (11 weeks 3 days) which in my opinion I was not that early according to everything I read online.  So she gets another doctor in the room to operate the Doppler while she pushes up on my uterus.  OMG!  That is the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life.  And we couldn’t hear the heartbeat.  So she tells me that she’ll request an ultrasound for me, and while we’re at it, she’ll also request my 18-20 week ultrasound.

So off we go thinking everything is all good and I try to distract myself from the possibility of my having had a miscarriage and just not knowing it.  Dre is trying to cheer me up and tell me everything is all right and pissing me off mostly.  I called my mom and told her what was happening and she told me that she also had an inverted uterus, but that was never really a problem for her.  

Then I go to my Chiropractor appointment, BIG mistake!  I’ve been texting what’s happening to my SIL and BFF all the while and they’re being very, very nice so I start crying in the waiting room.  Managed to get myself under control, but after my adjustment the chiropractor asks me what’s wrong.  I ended up telling him the whole story and sobbing like a lunatic in his exam room. Yeah for pregnancy hormones! 

I went home and apparently my SIL had been putting Dre straight and informing him that acting like a man is not helpful in any way.  So he was all sweet and concerned and that made me cry more!  I cried a lot ‘kay!

Forward to today, Dre and I are waiting for a phone call from the ultrasound clinic to book my ultrasound.  At noon, Dre calls the clinic because we haven’t heard from anyone yet and he finds out that the clinic hasn’t gotten a request for an ultrasound for me yet.  He calls the doctor’s office just to find out that there is no damn note in my file even asking the receptionist to book me an ultrasound!  By this time, I’m already livid and beyond stressed!  So Dre gets the receptionist to talk to the doctor so she can put the request through and tell us what kind of ultrasound she wanted us to get so we can just book it on our own.  

We wait for a few hours and just as I’m about to call them back, the receptionist calls me to tell me she booked it!  So, I’m thinking, “What a relief!”  No!  It’s booked for fucking April 4^th when I’ll be exactly 18 weeks.  WTF!!!!!!!  I tell her that I did need that ultrasound booked, but that the doctor was also sending me for an immediate ultrasound.  She reads me to note from the doctor and amazingly there is NO mention of an ultrasound right away so I don’t lose my fucking marbles by having to wait another 6 weeks to hear the heartbeat.  After some discussion—which happened at my desk BTW with people who have no idea I’m pregnant within hearing distance—we decide that she’ll ask the doctor about the other ultrasound right away.

***BREAK***

By this time, steam is coming out of my ears and I just want to march down to my doctor’s office and tell them what I think in very loud, colourful language.

***End of break***

Finally, she called me back to tell me that I had an ultrasound booked for next Wednesday.  Hallelujah!  I called Dre and told him the good news and he being the sweet man that he is called the ultrasound clinic and got my appointment moved to tomorrow at 11:00am!  Huge relief!

Now I just have to figure out how to drink 32oz of water in 10 minutes one hour before my appointment.  Probably impossible to do so I’m testing it right now and it’s been 37 minutes and I have to go pee a lot already.  So I’m thinking I’ll drink their 32oz of water 30 minutes before my appointment ‘cause I don’t think they’ll take me the second I walk through the door.  

Anyways, I can say that I don’t think I’ve ever been as stressed as I’ve been in the last 24 hours.  I’ll post the results of the ultrasound tomorrow and I’m sure we will be able to start telling everyone we know that I’m pregnant.  Finally!

Off to the Doctor I go...

I'm off to my second doctor appointment.  Wooohooo!  Oh wait, darn doctor actually wants to give me a pap because it's been a whole 10 months since she did the last one that was completely normal.  Booh!

However, we get to hear the kiddo's heartbeat (HB) for the first time ever since I've managed to restrain myself from buying a doppler.  I'm 11 weeks 3 days today and over the last few weeks I've gotten really stressed about not having any confirmation that the baby is doing all right in there.  That's what I get for saying no the prenatal testing I guess. 

No worries, I will report back and then I will call everyone on the planet and inform them that I AM PREGNANT!  Oh wait, I hate telephones (story for another day)...I'll call my Mom and Mother-in-Law and get them to call the world for me!  That is the plan...

Damn it's cold!

Oh, right!  You guys don't live in Siberia with me.

Yesterday it was -2C and today it's f****** -27C!  Tomorrow, it's supposed to be +2C!  Really, the weather just has to shape up!  Decide if you want to be cold or warm--warm is the preferable option by the way!

This weather is making me really grateful that I will not be 8 months pregnant and trying to stuff my fat ass in a coat that used to fit me a million years ago.  Anyways, enough ranting about the weather.  Let's talk about something interesting.

Yesterday, it was Valentine's Day.  Usually on Valentine's Day, people do all kinds of romantic things and go googly eyes on each other.  This year for Valentine's Day, I managed to make dinner for Dre even though the thought of food was making me seriously question my decision to cook it.  So dinner came together and it even tasted halfway good.  Yeah!  Win! 

Then, I ran off to a traction class my chiropractor had scheduled for me (apparently their wives aren't getting romantic dinners).  When I got back home, I spent the rest of the evening on the couch.  So I have concluded that being pregnant has made me very unromantic.  We'll have to try again this weekend for the big 2 year wedding anniversary:-)

I have to add though that Dre did come home with Reese's Peanut Butter cups yesterday because I had been cursing at the TV commercials for days about them taunting me.  Isn't it sweet?  The man listens to what I ramble about sometimes:-) 

Alright, I'm off to my 2nd pre-natal class now where I'm sure more "entertaining" comments will be made.  Priceless ones from last week...

Instructor: You shouldn't wash your boobs with soap so you don't have problems breastfeeding.
Girl: Really?  I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!
Hehe!  Priceless!

Instructor: Introduce yourself, give us your due date, and tell us a quality you'd like your baby to get from your partner.
Boy: Hi I'm X.  Y and I have been going out for almost a year and now we're knocked up.  Hmmmmm, I guess I want the baby to be pretty like Y.
Too many things with this one. 

More funny comments to come...

11 Weeks



11 Weeks



10 Weeks



Time is flying by...at a crawling speed!  On one hand I can't believe I'm at 11 weeks already and on the other hand I can't believe I have 29 more weeks to go!

How far along? 11 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up .8 lbs.  Probably because Dre and I spent the last week running around and eating crap.
Maternity clothes? I caved and visited Thyme Maternity.  Then I bought $300 worth of stuff.  I’m thinking of returning some of the stuff that I can find online for cheaper at places like Old Navy Maternity or Gap Matenity.  The only problem with that is that I live in Canada and their Canadian website don’t have maternity clothes.   I will make it work though!
Stretch marks? None
Sleep: Wake up once a night to go pee and after that I have a hard time going back to sleep completely.
Best moment this week: Going to look at Baby Boutiques in town with friends and finally having friends over that we’ve been meaning to invite for months!
Movement: None.  Soon, I hope!
Food cravings: I have been very undecisive this week as to what I actually want to eat.  I can name a hundred things I don’t want to eat, but can’t come up with 1 thing I do want to eat.  
Gender: Still think it’s gonna be a girl.
Labor Signs: None.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: My energy. 
What I am looking forward to: Hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time in 48 hrs and telling family and friends the news in 1 week!
Weekly Wisdom: Maternity clothes are so so so so so so so much more comfortable than trying to squeeze your bloat in skinny jeans.
Milestones: Baby is the size of a lemon (or a big lime)!  Grow baby grow!