Thought on Mother's Day

Stolen from Google. 
Don't sue me 'cause I have no money and I'm too lazy to go take my own damn picture of flowers!

I don't happen to like Mother's Day, but it's not like I can tell my Mom that.  She'd probably have a heart attack at the thought that I didn't appreciate her enough and didn't want to celebrate. 

It's not that I don't appreciate my Mom.  I do.

But when I was a kid, I thought it was just an excuse for adults to get another gift out of us because there sure was no Kid's Day.  And that didn't work with my uber logical young brain.  Also, the rationalization given to kid's that every other day is kid's day is crap...no kid actually believes you since those days don't come with cake and a present.

I happen to still think that if there's going to be Mother's or Father's Day then there should also be a Kid's Day.  Also, in the last few years I've heard about this thing called Grandparent's Day.  Goodness!  It never ends!  What's next?  Uncle's Day?

I guess this year I found Mother's Day to be hard.  In the past, I've just ignored the day (yes, ppl I still called my Mom and sent her a card...I'm not crazy yet), but now that I've had a loss it's made me realize that this day is hard for many people.

This day where we celebrate mothers and tell them what a good job they're doing is a day that for many people mean face the fact that they are not mothers.  And sometimes with our consumer society it really gets shoved into our faces that it's Mother's Day and that we don't qualify because we haven't been able to become Mothers.  No, the world doesn't do this maliciously, but I guess I've realized that this day is very, very hard for many accross the world. 

Sidenote:  I really appreciated my church yesterday.  They asked ALL ladies to come up and get a reusable bag that we were to fill with sparkly goodies like shoes and purses and not groceries and a lovely rose.  I think they did an admirable job recognizing women and not just Mothers.

I've only had one miscarriage and haven't been trying to get pregnant for years so I can only imagine how the years of pent-up grief and anger at the situation can be really be amplified by this day.

I guess this day just brought back the fact to me that I should be right around 6 months pregnant now and that very soon my old due date will be looming and there's no sign that I'm pregnant again.  If I was, it might might make all of this a little easier to deal with. 

I'm just going to keep plugging along and hope that this new cycle will be the cycle where Dre and I are lucky because it's really hard to have Aunt Flo show up the day before Mother's Day and then have your Mom going on and on about what a great Mother's Day gift a baby would be.

Don't get me wrong I love my Mom, but she's hard to deal with.  Mostly because she's so old school and will say anything she thinks even if it's hurtful if she thinks that it's her parental or religious duty to tell you. 

Also, I don't know where parents got this really weird idea that us getting pregnant would somehow be a present for them. 

??? 

Really?  Seriously? 

I'm not having a baby and pushing it out of my vagina as a present for you Parents.

Mind boggling sometimes!

That's all for my emotional ranting about Mother's Day.  All of you out there who do have lovely bundles of joy or little mischevious darlings or sulky tweens and teens, I hope you enjoyed your day and got pampered.  Over here, I just wanted to share a little of what goes through the mind of those of us who haven't been able to become a mother.

Babies EVERYWHERE

There are people having babies right around the time I would be due left and right.  

At first, I was so thankful that none of my friends were pregnant so that I could avoid what hundreds of women seem to post about on TB.  Having pregnant friends/relatives/coworkers EVERYWHERE!

Well, now I can’t seem to get away from it and for some reason this week I’ve been having a bigger problem with it.  I thought I was doing okay and past everything now that Dre and I are on the road to TTC (trying to conceive) again, but it seems like it’s hard to get by that feeling that, “I SHOULD be having a baby in September, I SHOULD be this far along, I SHOULD be doing such and such this summer.”  

Anyways, half of Dre’s co-workers are pregnant and not only that, but most of them are due a couple of weeks before I would have been due.  So, I don’t really want to hear about it most of the time especially when Dre comes home and announces to me that his co-worker is now 23 weeks along.  Why I needed to know that is just beyond me.

This morning, I had a business meeting and I noticed one the presenters was pregnant.  She told us she was due September 23^rd.  Really!  I’m happy for her, but it seems like I just can’t get away from these August/September due dates.

So needless to say that with all of that and the fact that half the blogs I read announced they were expecting around the time I would have announced it has made me a little depressed and down.

I’m gonna end my ranting now.  I think it makes me come across as bitter and angry, but some days that’s how I feel.  I guess that before I had a miscarriage I didn’t really understand when people would talk about being bitter and angry about the situation/people/comments/etc.  It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there yourself I guess.

2 Week Wait of Hell

Google search for Happy Dance

Happy news!  The house guest is gone!!!!  I have to say that I don't hate people, but I hate them when they're in my house unless they are 1 of approximately 5 people who I could tell, "You're annoying me!" to.

So happy dance 'cause it's all Dre and I and no else now.  Dre's happy to...he gets more sex now...cause really is there a good way to be like, "Errrrr, I know it's only 6 PM, but we're going now...er...to...err...nap."  Yeah, nope it's just really awkward:-)

So in other news, I've been charting my temps this month hoping to get back in the habit of waking up at the godawful hour of 6AM and staying awake long enough to take my temperature AND write it down. 

It's not as easy as it seems people.

Half the time, I go back to sleep and realize that my mouth is open and I'm letting all this cold air touch the damn thermometer so now I have to start again.  The other half of the time, I can't even find my mouth to put the thermometer in because I'm still asleep.  It's a problem people!

Anyways, I've been charting and have been expecting AF anytime now since it's been 5 weeks since my miscarriage.  Lo and behold all of sudden, my chart shows a damn ovulation on day FREAKING 27!  Well, no AF for my until I'm at least 6 weeks from miscarriage now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that my body is cooperating and has decided to start doing the ovulation thing again so soon, but this chart is gonna mess all my averages on Fertility Friend and all that shit. 

Even crazier is the fact that Dre and I definitely had sex on the Sunday that I ovulated.  So much for waiting until AF showed up before we started trying again.  I guess my body was not happy with that plan so it decided to rebel:-)

So now I'm in the dreaded 2 week waiting period before I can test.  I'm 10 days past ovulation today so I could technically test, but last time when I actually got pregnant I got a BFN (that's a negative) at 9 days past ovulation (DPO) and my positive was when I decided to retest at 16 DPO.  So now FF wants me to wait until I'm 16 days DPO which is next Tuesday by the way until I test.

I swear I'm gonna go crazy by then!  The problem is that I've been down this road recently and while I looked forward to testing every month I didn't worry about it overmuch or get too depressed about seeing a BFN.  As someone on The Bump said last week, "As you all know m/c really sucks the innocent bliss out of pregnancy."  I couldn't find a better way to express my feelings. 

Last time, I went innocently along not even thinking about the testing crap until I took a test on Christmas Eve to find out if I could drink.  And when it was negative, I just waited for AF who was sure to come.  Even when i was 5 days late, I was wondering if I should really test because every other time I tested in the morning and AF came later that day.  And then I tested and the damn test was actually positive.  That was utterly shocking!

This time I just feel like there's a hammer poised over my head just waiting to smack on the head.  There is no carefree gallivanting across these 2 weeks to my periods...there's just waiting. 

Unbearable, agonizing waiting.

So you'll find me here waiting for another 6 days unless I decide to pee on a test this weekend just to keep myself more sane.

So what day is this?

Google result for Wednesday Hump Day. 
DO NOT type in Hump Day by itself while at work! You will not get cute cartoons!

I have to ask because my sleep-deprived brain is trying to quit, pack its bags, and go on vacation.

A combination of my boss being on vacation for 2 weeks which leaves me to do everything, taking a CPR class this weekend, and the hated Daylight Saving Time have conspired to rob me of my sleep making me very tired.

All of this, by the way, doesn't help the tiny depressed feelings I've been having lately.  Dre is deeply concerned over my statement that I'm depressed and insists on trying to make me smile and stop being depressed.  It usually works because he's funny. 

So I think I'm going to summarize my feelings in this one paragraph.  Beth Ann from HeirtoBlair wrote this about 2 years of so ago after her miscarriage.  It completely summarizes what I feel about this whole situation that is my life.

"Three months of nausea, heartburn, exhaustion, elation, pure happiness...with nothing to show for it.  & to get the baby I want, I have to go back & do it all over again.  Sweet Jesus, I've been down the 1st Tri road.  I was almost done.  Now I am back at square one.  That is what frustrates me the most."

So right now that is what my state of mind looks like and that's all I'll say about that...for now!

So in other news, I have a friend who went shopping with me for baby stuff a while ago.  While we were in this uber-crunchy baby store (they had great cloth diapers...definitely going back there one day), we spotted DivaCup.  Now I had read about them on a blog, but I had no idea what they looked like and how they worked.  Yes, I'm aware that Google is great, but I'm too lazy and forgetful to look this crap up usually.

Anyways, said friend has now purchased one and I'm SOOOOOO jealous!  I want one!  I REALLY REALLY REALLY want one!  Why?  Because I HATE, DETEST, ABHOR pads.  They are nasty, gross, smelly, nasty, smelly, and nasty!  I think I might have to go out and buy one right away.  I was originally going to wait until after I had a baby to get one so that I didn't have to changes sizes, but after spending the morning reading all about them I think I wanna go get one so I never, ever, ever have to wear a pad again.  Maybe, I'll make a very illegal bonfire in my backyard and burn all my remaining pads in glee.   Hmmm, my neighbors might think I was even crazier than they originally thought. 

I've just managed to remember that it's Wednesday and not Friday like I was desperately hoping it was so I will leave you to go scale the rest of Hump Day.

Time

What is up with Daylight Savings Time or however you spell that?

When I was a kid I used to think it was so cool that we got to change the clocks.  It was really exciting to wake up in the morning and see if we had all remembered to set our clocks forward or backward.  Every time you looked at a clock the day after you always had a little doubt about whether or not that was actually the time.  

Well, I'm not 5 anymore and time change has definitely lost it's appeal for me! 

I HATE Daylight Savings Time!  There I said it.  I cannot stand having to force my poor, tired body to wake up when it's pitch black just so I can get an extra hour of daylight at the end of the day.  I say join all the really smart Province of Saskatchewan and the States of Arizona, Indiana, and Hawaii and let's stop doing the stupid thing we do with our clocks twice a year.

Your body will thank me for it.  Or maybe not.

Since we're not farmers working in the fields anymore (not that there's anything wrong with farmers) and we have this modern invention called outside lighting, we don't need to extend our day anymore.  I seriously doubt that changing the time twice a year saves that much electricity for anyone.  Now instead of turning on my lights at night when I get home, I get to turn on my light in the morning while getting ready to go.

All right I'm done talking about that till Fall when we add an extra hour...AGAIN.

In other news, I'm still waiting on my doctor to call me back so I can see if I can schedule my ultrasound this week instead of at the end of next week or the week after that.  Bleeding has pretty much completely stopped so I don't see how waiting for an extra week is going to change how much stuff is or is not left in my uterus. 

Since I started charting with Fertility Friend again (I'll link my chart to this blog some day), my chart is telling me I should ovulate in the next 3 days:-(  That makes me sad because I'm probably not going to ovulate since I think my HCG levels have to be below 5 for my cycle to reset itself.  When the doctor calls, I need to remember to ask her what they were at my last blood draw.  So, here's to hoping that my levels have already dropped below 5 and that my cycle is on the way to resetting itself. 

The possible stuff left in the uterus...I'll worry about that after the next ultrasound.

Life goes on

So, it's been a while since I've posted.  I tend to post from work and I haven't been at work all week so I've been neglecting it in favor of Netflix.

Monday I got a call from my doctor about last Friday's ultrasound.  She told me I had 3 choices: one was wait it out and my body would eventually miscarry on its own...hopefully, the second one was take misoprostol (cytotec) vaginally which would induce a miscarriage by making my uterus contract, or go for a D&C surgery.  I picked the second option as I "miscarried" at 6 weeks, but here I am at 13 weeks and I have yet to bleed or anything.  I've learned that the term for this is a missed miscarriage (medical community tends to call it a missed abortion, but I think that that is not reflective of my situation).  I decided not to go with a D&C unless it is absolutely necessary as that is a surgery and carries the same risks that all surgeries do.

Dre and I went to visit the doctor on Monday so that she could give me the prescription and explain all that stuff to me.  That went fairly well with a lot of reassurance to me that it was not my fault, I could get pregnant again, and shouldn't have any problems carrying to term next time.  While I appreciate this type of reassurance, telling me once was nice, but telling me over and over again in the last 2 weeks is really annoying.  Also, I'm really not the type to believe that I somehow did something when I was only 6 weeks pregnant that harmed my baby.  At that stage of growth, babies stop developing because of serious chromosomal defects.  So we picked up my prescription and went to The Works to get burgers since I didn't feel like cooking.

We decided to wait until the next morning before I took the pills as I heard stories from other people about staying up all night when the pills took effect. 

Rabbit Trail***
In the meantime over the last week and half since it was confirmed that I was miscarrying I've gotten several queries as to whether or not I was sure the baby wasn't growing anymore.  Not helpful in the least I must say, but people were trying to be helpful so I'm cutting them a break.  Let me say that I have 2 blood tests showing dropping levels of beta-HCG hormones and 2 ultrasounds showing no growth and no heartbeat.  Either of these things are enough to confirm a miscarriage and they were enough for me.  As I don't believe in abortion, I did not make this decision lightly.
Back to our Regular Programming***

Took the pills at 8:30am on Tuesday morning.  Boy, it was really fun to push those up!  I had mild cramps and not much was going on for 4 hours.  After that, I started getting crazy, runny diarrhea.  I still had almost no cramps and didn't really feel anything going on in my uterus, but I was starting to get severe back cramps.  An hour later...still no bleeding, I had Dre call the pharmacist to ask if I could take Immodium because I couldn't take the diarrhea and the back cramps that were accompanying it.  The pharmacist tells Dre that this is normal and it will soon stop. 

Now some would wonder why in God's name they didn't put any of this information on their helpful drug packets, but you see the drug is an ulcer drug and the little info packets that the pharmacists print out don't take into account secondary uses and the fact that the doctor prescribing them to me vaginally means they're for a missed miscarriage.

As I start shaking uncontrollably and I'm almost in tears because the damn back pain is gonna kill me, I go to the bathroom and start passing massive amounts of blood and "stuff".  Nope, I have no idea what it looked like because there was so much blood.  BTW, the doctor told me to take Advil for pain management!  They obviously like lying through their teeth about how painful it is to start a miscarriage.  The most severe pain went away quickly after this, but I'm still bleeding now 3 days later.  Now, it looks more like a normal period except with much redder blood and more blood clots, but the cramping is almost all gone.  Something, they don't tell you is how red the blood will be.  It's shocking actually!  Also, that the blood in the toilet can look like Kool Aid because there's so much of it.  TMI yet?  Well too bad, I had to live through this...it was much worse on my end.

One thing I learned.  When the doctor says you'll experience some cramping, they mean you'll go into labor for about 1 hour.  Before this, I was toying with the idea of natural childbirth and all that.  Now, I will demand an epidural as soon as I arrive at the hospital and will take a c-section if it's offered.  That was the worse pain I've ever had, and I have proof that when I go into labor I'll have the dreaded back labor.

I had one last blood draw this morning to monitor my beta-HCG levels--they're supposed to drop dramatically when you miscarry.  On Monday, I have another ultrasound to make sure everything is gone and then we meet with my doctor for one last follow-up.  Fingers crossed that everything is good and I can start TTC (trying to conceive) after AF decides to show up in 4-6 weeks. 

So on we go.  I did buy 3 bottles of wine yesterday and I fully intend to drink them in the near future.  I'm making up for 2 months of no drinking and the 9 months of no drinking that will hopefully be coming soon.

Update to an update?

So the results are in and...MISCARRIAGE.  Looks nice all spelled out like that doesn't it? 

Yah, well it sucks ass!

My doctor finally called my at 9 PM last night to give me the results of my second blood draw from Tuesday.  My HCG levels are going down.  Bad, very bad!  They went from 18,000 to 13,000.  She was very nice about the whole thing, but she still wanted me to go do the ultrasound.  To me, this was depressing news...I kinda knew this was coming--I've kind of known since we couldn't hear the heartbeat on Wednesday.  It's like having a bad news monster stalking you all day long...fun. 

I thought to myself, I'll just do the ultrasound and then that's gonna be done and we can make a plan and get on with it.  So today, hubby leaves work again and comes with me to the ultrasound at 11.  We get there and the clinic doesn't have us on their list today...OOOOOOKKKKKAAAYYYYY...turns out my doctor's office managed to book me at the alternate location for this clinic, but told me to go to this one when they called me.  The girls there were very nice and squeezed me in. 

My ultrasound was actually done by the doctor at the clinic and not one of the techs which was nice because she explained to me everything that was going on as she was seeing it.  Very useful.  She even gave me a copy of the report so I could have it with me in case I bled enough that I had to go the ER for it.  So the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks 1 day.  The sac and placenta are all still there so my body hasn't gotten with the program yet.  This means that my pregnancy ended at 6 FUCKING weeks and my body hasn't seen fit to get rid of it in the last 7 weeks.  This would have been much easier to deal with and less people would have been told if that had happened 2 months ago like it was supposed to.  Hell, I could even have tried to get pregnant again at least once since then.  So, yes, I'm annoyed...really, really annoyed!

Oh and people need to stop being all nice to me and telling me how sorry they are because that shit is just making me cry and I'm tired of crying.  I don't do crying.  Ask people who know me...I don't cry.  Not my style, but the damn hormones that are still floating around and having a field day in my body make me cry all the time.

So,  Dre's really bummed and sad about this, but I think we'll be fine and as soon as we can close a chapter on this pregnancy we'll start trying for a take-home baby. 

A note on miscarriage.  It happens.  I don't think I'm the type to not talk about it because not talking about being pregnant for 3 months almost killed me so I'll probably mention that it happened if it ever comes up.  The reason for this is that miscarriage is way too much of a taboo subject in our society.  20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages.  That is millions of women that miscarry every year and don't talk about it and suffer in silence and alone because the world is uncomfortable dealing with the idea of pregnancy not being all rainbow farting unicorns. 

So have a nice weekend and join me in drinking (unless you're pregnant..duh! and damn right I'm drinking...no reason not to anymore) to the billions of strong women out there who carry the future generations and who occasionally lose their babies before they get to meet them.